The Art Of Lament

This Sunday at my Unitarian church, one of the ministers interviewed two doulas on the topic of rage, grief, and goodness -- and how that shows up in their work guiding women while giving birth.

One of the doulas brought up the power of LAMENT.

As they were talking about lament, it became clear pretty quickly that I didn't understand what it meant.

I always thought lament was experiencing sadness.

That definition isn't untrue, but it's HIGHLY incomplete.

Here's what lament really is: GIVING VOICE to that pain and sadness.

In a VOCAL, PHYSICAL way. Not with the intent to try and fix the pain or make it go away - just to give it voice.

It's letting yourself and your pain be seen and heard and witnessed in all your fullness and messiness and complete and total glory.

THAT. IS. POWERFUL.

After that sunk in, my mind immediately jumped to the opposite end of the spectrum of emotions as well -- not just giving voice to pain, but also giving voice to complete and total joy. Complete and total pleasure. Complete and total wonder.

And the complete and total vulnerability that goes along with voicing sadness, grief, and anger -- and wonder, joy and pleasure.

It got me thinking - why is this so vulnerable?

Yes, part of the vulnerability is trusting someone else to hold space for our big emotions.

But that's not the only thing.

Another part of the vulnerability comes from something we don't typically talk about -- big emotions often come with a sense of loss of control.

Despair, grief, rage, joy, serenity, wonder, pleasure -- these are BIG emotions. And you aren't in total control when you're feeling them.

These emotions can feel bigger than you. Or like they're coming from somewhere beyond you or from somewhere so deep inside you didn't even know that place was there.

This can be especially vulnerable if you're seen (or see yourself!) as someone always in control, who has their shit together, or who is even keeled and has a good head on their shoulders.

So just FEELING these big feelings in private can be vulnerable.

Then there's voicing them and letting your big emotions be witnessed by others - that's vulnerability on a whole other level.

And yet there's beauty in letting yourself be seen. There's power in giving voice to the deepness of what you are feeling.

It's is also a gift you can give to others.

To witness the fullness of their emotions, the fullness of their lament - without trying to fix anything.

Sometimes that means being with someone in grief and despair and all the emotions we define as "challenging."

It's also about being with someone in their joy. Letting go of any judgment or jealousy of their joy. Not trying to clamp down their experience of wonder. Just witnessing it. Providing a place for their voice to be heard.

So let us embrace vulnerability and give ourselves permission to voice our big feelings. To lament it all.

And let us create a space for others to lament and share the voice of their emotions. A space to be themselves as a whole person - messy, beautiful, and REAL.

This is the fullness of being human. This is the fullness of being alive.

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