Forgiving Yourself For Past Mistakes

Last fall I made a decision I totally regretted - and that decision impacted me in a big way. Here's the scenario:

I had just moved to Colorado.

I came here with only my Honda Civic - no moving van, no plans to bring anything big to Colorado. My Civic was packed to THE HILT, but still - it was just a Civic!

I initially made an Airbnb reservation for two months, thinking that would give me time to look around and find a more permanent place to live.

The Airbnb was a good decision. My next decision about housing was not.

As soon as I got to Colorado I started looking through Zillow for rentals nearby, just to see what was out there. I immediately saw one that caught my eye.

It was a basement apartment inside of a house. The owners were a small family that lived upstairs and they seemed awesome. They even mentioned wanting someone with an interest in personal development!

And it was partially furnished, which was perfect considering I had ZERO furniture with me.

I contacted the owners and set up a time to meet them and see the apartment.

Let me try and give you a concise and accurate description of this apartment: It was in the basement of a medium sized house. All the windows were egress, so there was very little natural light. You had to stand next to a window and look straight up just to see the sky.

It was quite spacious with a long living room, kitchen, and dining area. One of the bedrooms was light turquoise. The other had no windows and some odd fabric paneling on the walls. The bathroom was black, white, and red. The kitchen was amazingly updated with good furnishings, although no dishwasher.

The entrance to the apartment was through the owner's kitchen, so I would need to walk through their living space every time I left or came home.

The family was nice - a man and a woman in their 30s with a very sweet one-year-old baby. They were planning to be in Florida for two months in the winter, so I'd have the whole house to myself during that time.

It was also a very reasonable price and included Internet and all utilities. And they would let me sign a 6-month lease.

When I left the tour, I told the couple I would let them know in 24 hours if I wanted the apartment or not.

In those 24 hours I had a creeping feeling in my belly. Something didn't feel quite right, but I pushed it aside, telling myself that I would never find another furnished apartment for this price.

Telling myself it was no big deal that I'd have to walk through their kitchen to enter my apartment. Telling myself I was fine with quirky decorating - after all, turquoise is my favorite color! Telling myself was I okay with the lack of natural light.

I told them I'd take it.

As you might imagine, things did not go well.

Within 24 hours of moving in, I realized I'd made a huge mistake. I felt TRAPPED in the basement. The lack of natural light and not being able to see outside was absolutely AWFUL.

My inner critic swooped in IMMEDIATELY, chastising me by saying:

How could you have made this decision? You know how important light is to you! And you knew you had that funny feeling in your belly before you signed the lease -- that feeling never lies and you know that! What were you thinking?!? You should have known better than to do this!

My inner critic was having a field day with all the self-judgment it was throwing at me.

And the housing situation only got worse from there.

Three weeks after I moved in, another family began subletting the upstairs while the owners were in Florida (something I did not know was a possibility when I signed the lease). They were a wonderful family, but they were LOUD and I could hear EVERY SINGLE STEP they took above me. I didn't get a full night's sleep after they moved in.

Then a pipe backed up, flooding my kitchen and basement with god knows what.

And there were mice. An exterminator was called and he put out poison, which unfortunately didn't kill the mice, just maimed them. So I had to capture a slow moving, but still alive mouse, and finish the job.

I was stressed, exhausted, and really mad at myself.

It was also December in the middle of rising Covid numbers and I'd just made the decision to stay in Colorado instead of seeing my family for Christmas. So that was not helping my wellbeing either. There were a lot of tears during this time.

It was all so bad that one month after I moved in, I negotiated my way out of the lease.

I found a condo to rent that I LOVED, but even after moving into this great place, I couldn't shake the pit in my stomach every time I thought about making the wrong decision about the first apartment.

The inner critic would show up EN FORCE reiterating the same message over and over and over again, telling me that I should have known better than to ever sign the lease in the first place.

I was judging and criticizing and angry with myself when I really only needed one thing: SELF-COMPASSION.

A conversation with my aunt was the turning point in finally letting it go.

I was telling her about this housing debacle and how I was mad at myself for the bad decision I'd made and she told me something I'll never forget:

"You know, Heather, whenever I think back on past situations like that, I tell myself, 'It seemed like a good idea at the time.'"

So simple, but she was completely right!

It DID seem like a good idea at the time. I suddenly remembered all the reasons I DID sign the lease: It was a reasonable price. At the time, this was a big thing. My business had taken a hit because of Covid and it was just starting a major positive swing when I moved to Colorado, but I didn't know if it would last (thankfully, it did). A lower-cost apartment felt responsible.

And it was furnished when I had absolutely no furniture! And I could sign a 6-month lease, giving me flexibility once I had settled more into my life in Colorado.

This realization didn't negate the fact that I hadn't listened to my body and hadn't paid enough attention to things that were important to me, like natural light.

This realization didn't abdicate me from the responsibility of my decision.

But it DID help me let go of the shame I felt for making this bad decision in the first place.

And it opened the door for me to LEARN from the decision, instead of wallowing in self-judgment, stuck in a circular pattern without the capacity to move on.

This is why we need self-compassion.

Because you are human. You will make mistakes. You will make bad decisions. You need self-compassion to learn from them and move forward.

You will also need self-compassion for all those times perfectionism shows up telling you that you should be doing more and working harder -- even though you actually don't need to be doing more and working harder.

Self-compassion helps you realize you are already enough, just as you are.

Try this simple self-compassion practice to start:

Ask yourself: What does giving myself support look like right now?

Your answer could be small, like getting a drink of water or taking a deep breath, or it could be larger, like permission for more rest or reaching out to a friend for support. No matter what the answer, it's a great practice to get in the habit of asking yourself.

This is a journey. Have compassion for yourself on the road to greater self-compassion.

Heather Whelpley is a speaker, coach, and author that guides women to let go of proving, pleasing, and perfecting and create their own rules for life. In 2020 she published her first book, An Overachiever’s Guide To Breaking The Rules: How To Let Go Of Perfect and Live Your Truth