When To Listen To Feedback - And When To Throw It Out The Window

Last week I had the honor of speaking at WE22, the annual conference for the Society of Women Engineers. It was AMAZING. I've never seen so many awesome women in one place. Over 14,000 of them to be exact - including some of you reading this blog post!

I started my presentation — Discover Your Authentic Voice - And How To Use It To Create Change — with a story about the feedback I received in my corporate career that I was too direct.

Because of that feedback, I started to hold back the bold, fiery side of me. I questioned my voice and began to speak more cautiously. Not thoughtfully, cautiously.

Which begs the question -- should I have ever listened to that feedback in the first place?!?

Should YOU listen to every piece of feedback you get?!?

The answer, unequivocally, is NO.

You do NOT need to listen, take in, and 100% apply every piece of feedback you get.

But, like most things, it's not a black and white answer.

Ignoring every piece of feedback you receive would be just as detrimental as following all of it.

So what can you do? How do you know when to listen to feedback - and when to throw it out the window?

There's so much to cover here I might end up doing a podcast episode on this (let me know if you'd be interested in that!), but for today, I want to offer three insights to help you decide when to pay attention to feedback:

First - Know that every piece of feedback you receive is coming from the perspective of the person who's giving it to you. This is true for criticism AND praise!

That person has preferences, likes and dislikes, biases, ways they want you to work, their own definition of success (for you and them!), rules they've been handed, and past experiences they are basing the feedback on.

Often, their feedback is neither right nor wrong -- it's just coming from their point of view.

Take the feedback I received on being too direct, for example.

The feedback wasn't WRONG - it was actually quite accurate.

And I fully believe it was given with positive intent. The people who told me this wanted me to succeed.

But it was based in bias about how a woman is - and is not - supposed to show up in the world. It was also based on the norms of communication in Minnesota, which tend to be more indirect.

I broke both of those rules when I brought my bold, fiery directness.

Had I been a man or living in a more direct culture, I never would have gotten that feedback - or it wouldn't have been considered negative, constructive feedback.

Being direct may have even been considered a positive trait, showing leadership and assertiveness.

It all depends on the perspective of the person giving you the feedback.

Their perspective may uncover blindspots that can help you tremendously - or their perspective may be seeped in bias and old rules that you have no interest in following. You get to decide.

Second - Ask yourself: What is useful in this feedback?

Your answers to this question will depend as much on the feedback itself as how it's given.

For example, did the person give you good examples of your behavior that you can reflect on? If so, that's great - reflect and try to be objective about how you were showing up.

As I look back on the feedback I received, some of it was helpful.

The feedback about my directness also raised my awareness of the importance of empathy, compassion, and inclusion when communicating.

I may have taken that a little too much to heart (I started worrying whether my directness would hurt people's feelings, which I don't think was ever a big concern) - but empathy is good! I want to be compassionate and inclusive!

Ask yourself the same question - what is useful in this feedback? And what do you need to let go?

Third - Get some other perspectives

Still aren't sure what feedback to take in - and what to throw out the window?

Then seek out feedback from more people.

Is the feedback consistent? Are multiple people saying you need to work on this?

Or does it turn out to be just that one person?

One MAJOR caveat to this, though....if the feedback you are getting is based in bias, you still might get it from multiple people.

If you are a woman taking up space, sharing your voice, and living big in this world - you probably will get some criticism.

When you break the rules society has placed on you, people will have thoughts on that.

Some of them will be threatened by your voice.

Some will be uncomfortable seeing a woman step into her glory and show her strength with no apologies.

Some will really want you to succeed and they think you need to follow the rules to get that success, so they'll try to get you back on the straight and narrow path of what is expected.

You get to decide.

You get to hear the feedback, filter through it, and then decide where to make changes - and where to say, "Nope. This feedback is not helpful. It doesn't align with how I want to show up in the world. I'm not going to follow it."

This doesn’t just go for feedback you get at work. Everything in this blog post applies to comments, feedback, and opinions about your life from family, friends - or anyone.

You get to decide there, too.

P.S. Tara Mohr's book Playing Big was the first time I was introduced to the idea that I didn't have to take every single piece of feedback to heart. Much of this blog is inspired by her thoughts!

Want to learn more about bringing Discover Your Authentic Voice - And How To Use It To Create Change to your organization? Get more details about the session and book a discovery call on my website!