The Bias Women Experience
I speak at events for mostly women through employee resource groups and conferences. As you might imagine, over the years I've heard A LOT of stories of the bias that women experience in their day-to-day lives.
I decided to share this list of the bias women experience to build awareness and initiate discussions. If you experience this bias or other forms of discrimination and you want to talk about it, you can use this blog as a conversation starter.
If you're a manager and you want to open a discussion with your employees, you can bring them this list and ask what they experience - and ask for feedback if you've ever done these or other things to make them feel like they weren't included, preferably in a 1:1 conversation and with advanced notice that you’re going to ask (NOTE: If you do this, remain curious and open! There's nothing worse than asking for feedback and then getting defensive and shutting down what people tell you.)
Some of the experiences on this list might surprise you. Or you might think that this stuff happened a long time ago, but it no longer happens in 2022. It might make you uncomfortable to read this.
That's okay. Lean into the discomfort.
This is all real. None of these are one-off comments. It's better to lean into the discomfort of reality than deny its existence.
A few other things I want to point out before I jump into the list:
This list is not all inclusive. These are just the common themes from what I've heard in my work - and some I've experienced myself.
Women are not a monolith. Everyone has different experiences.
I am writing about women here because that's where my work focuses, but clearly other groups also experience discrimination. What's more, a person who has more than one identity that sets them apart from the traditionally dominant power structure (ie, white, straight, cisgender male), like being a woman AND black or being a woman AND queer, will likely experience more and/or different forms of discrimination.
Also, as I dive into this list, you'll notice that many of these are somewhat subtle. They don't break the law or even a company policy. Some would be called micro-aggressions, although I hate that word because it implies the actions and impact are small. You might think, "Can't someone just brush it off and get on with things?"
Here's the thing: The individual action might be small. The collective impact is not.
So, no, people shouldn't have to just brush it aside. Instead, we should all be working towards a world where these comments and situations don't exist in the first place.
And finally, please note that big, egregious acts of discrimination occur regularly too. Sexual harassment. Being fired for speaking up. I'm choosing to focus on the more subtle ways because they are easier to ignore or not even notice, especially if you are someone who never has to deal with them personally.
Here are ten types of bias women experience:
People don't believe you're the manager: Yep. This happens. A customer asks to speak to the manager, a woman comes out, and that customer flat-out doesn't believe they are the manager. Sometimes they eventually concede. Sometimes they don't. This happens in different versions across industries, like a patient not believing a woman is their surgeon or a leader showing up to speak at a public event and an organizer not believing they are the keynote speaker.
"Just smile a little more": Lord. SO MANY WOMEN get this comment when they express a direct opinion, frustration, or anything with a remotely serious look on their face. Sometimes honey is added on to the end, as in, "Just smile a little more, honey." Just thinking about the condescension makes me angry and I've never even been told these words directly!
Speak up! But not TOO much: This one I have experienced. Women are consistently encouraged to be confident and speak up, only to receive feedback they're too direct, aggressive, or angry when they DO speak up. This is a particular example that plays out differently for women of different races as well. I was called direct multiple times in my corporate career. A black woman communicating in exactly the same way as me would like be called angry. A white man would likely get no feedback at all.
"You can do that?!?": A woman performs a task she is educated, qualified, and experienced to do - and people are surprised she can do it. I've seen this show up especially in technical and physical tasks, like a woman engineer who can fix a machine perfectly or an operator in a plant who can carry a heavy load.
Getting interrupted and being talked over: This is well researched. Women are interrupted and talked over WAY more than men in conversations as diverse as the Supreme Court justices to casual conversations between team members. It's more than frustrating -- constant interruption can make people feel like their voice isn't valued. Over time, not being listened to can lead people to wonder if it's even worth the bother to share their ideas. I have to watch this one from the interruptor standpoint. I get excited and can jump into the conversation and talk over someone. It's not my intention to cut someone off and make them feel like I don't want to hear their thoughts, but it's certainly the outcome. (Side note: If you're the one being interrupted, I've found the phrases, "I haven't finished speaking yet" and "I have more to say on this" very effective for taking back interruptions.)
Tone policing: Tone policing is exactly what it sounds like – silencing someone’s tone over the content of what they are saying, particularly when discussing a subject that makes you uncomfortable. For example, telling someone you could hear them better if they weren’t so emotional or that you can’t listen when they are angry when discussing discrimination. This happens much more frequently to women of color, especially black women, than white women, because of the racist stereotype of the angry black woman. Plenty of white women are perpetrators of tone policing.
Direct comments or indirect insinuation a woman only got the job because they needed more diversity on the team: Double this one if that individual is also a person of color. This is one (of many) reasons people of color and white women are more likely to experience the impacts of imposter syndrome. If other people are questioning your skills, experiences, and qualifications for the job, it only makes sense those comments would plant a seed of imposter syndrome self-doubt, even if you are the most highly qualified person in the world for the role. I saw a social media post recently (I can't remember where or I would give credit) that talked about turning this language around when someone similar to everyone else on the team is hired and saying, "Oh, there's another homogeneity hire!" It makes you stop and think, doesn't it?!
Gaslighting: Gaslighting is a fancy word for saying you don't believe someone's experiences. Sometimes that's communicated as directly as, "I don't believe you", but I've seen that same sentiment communicated indirectly more commonly. For example, if someone tells you they feel like they are being constantly interrupted and talked over in their team meetings and you say, "I'm sure it's not that bad." Here's the antidote: When someone shares their experiences of bias, believe them!
Being expected to take on an admin role when you're not an admin: One of my managers told me years ago that she had been asked to take notes at a team meeting for the leadership team she was a new member of. She said no, which I loved, but her example is just one of millions where the woman in the room is asked to take notes, get coffee, arrange catering, or perform a myriad of other administrative tasks. Let me be clear, administrative assistants are amazing. But handing over administrative tasks to a woman who is not in an admin role is plain bias.
Being told to “Go back to the kitchen.”: Yep. You heard that one right. More than one woman has shared with me that she’s been told this sentence directly. And not thirty years ago. Today.
This list is just a start. I hope it's raised your awareness of the bias that still exists in our communities and workplaces. Now get curious about yourself. Notice how you contribute to these biases, whether directly or by letting comments from others slide. Decreasing bias and changing culture is a million little actions we all take every day. You can be a part of creating a more equitable world.
If you've experienced these forms of bias yourself, I hope you feel seen. You are not alone.
If you've experienced a different kind of bias and would like to share, please share it in the comments. Everyone's experiences have a right to be heard.
I don’t speak on traditional DEI topics, like unconscious bias. Instead, I aim to address barriers and discrimination in an intersectional way throughout my keynote topics. For example, the tools in my keynote on Imposter Syndrome - And What To Do About It, apply to everyone. I also speak directly about how microaggressions, racism, and discrimination contribute to imposter syndrome. Without this, the keynote would not just be incomplete - it would contribute to putting the onus on women and people of color to change themselves, as opposed to looking at how we can change culture. Learn more here.