How To Stop Worrying About Disappointing People
I recently hosted a webinar on letting go of perfect and living your truth with 100 women. The fear of disappointing people was the NUMBER ONE thing women shared that was standing in their way.
Wow. That’s a lot of women living someone else’s truth instead of their own.
That fear was underneath so many other things as well - having a hard time saying no, feeling like everything has to be perfect, worrying what people will think if you change your career, do something outside the norm, or even just start sharing what you really think.
Can you relate?
I get it. I've felt this fear MANY times.
In the introduction of my book, An Overachiever's Guide To Breaking The Rules: How To Let Go Of Perfect and Live Your Truth, I shared a poem I had written when I was just 18 that was basically all about being afraid to disappoint people. Here are a few lines:
But what if I do fall?
What will everyone say?
My parents, my teachers, all the people,
Who helped me along the way.
Will they will be proud to announce my name?
To them, will I always be the same?
I was so afraid that being anything less than perfect would disappoint everyone.
And that is no way to live.
For me. For you. For any of us.
So what can you do about it? How can you get past the fear of disappointing people so you can live your own truth? Here are three steps to help you get there.
Know what you want
When was the last time you asked yourself what YOU really want? Not your parents, boss, spouse, or friends - but YOU. Right now. At this moment in your life?
If you're like most women I talk to, the answer is YEARS. You got on a path a long time ago and haven't looked up to reassess and ask yourself the question.
And, to be fair, you haven't had a lot of time on your hands either. I know you're juggling a million balls and it feels like they're all glass and if you drop even one they will all come crashing to the ground.
If this is you, start small. REALLY small.
Instead of diving in with the huge questions of what you want in your life and career, ask yourself, "What do I want right now? What would feel good?"
Ask yourself this question several times a day, even if you can't fulfill the want right away. What's important is you're getting back in touch with your own desires. This makes it easier to follow your own voice instead of what other people are telling you to do. Knowing what you want gives you the motivation move past the fear of disappointing people.
2. Get clear on your personal definition of success
After you've gotten back into the practice of asking yourself what you want, take it a step further. What does a happy, successful life mean to you?
If you aren't sure of your personal definition of success, here's a short journaling exercise to get some clarity.
Set a timer for 10 minutes. At the top of the page write, "A happy, successful life is...." Start the timer and write for the next 10 minutes - without stopping. Don't pick up your pen. Don't worry about grammar. Don't be concerned about whether everything you're writing makes sense. Just write.
When the timer goes off, go back and read through what you wrote. What stands out to you? What's important for you to lead a happy, successful life?
You can wordsmith it if you like and create a pretty definition of success for yourself. Or you can leave it just the way it is. Either way, KEEP IT. And when you worry about disappointing people, go back to YOUR definition of success. Let what's important to you be bigger than the fear of disappointing someone else.
3. Embrace the fear and just say no
Once you know what you want and your own definition of success, then you just have to start taking action. This isn't easy. There will be fear. EMBRACE IT. Lean into the discomfort and take action anyway.
There's no judgment for being afraid. Fear is meant to protect you. It just does it's job a little too well sometimes. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Make the decision that is aligned to YOU, to your desires, to the impact you want to have and the life you want to lead - regardless of whether that decision will disappoint someone else or not.
Living aligned to your own voice and values almost always means you're going to say no more often, which definitely brings on fear and discomfort for most people. To help you out, I created The Ultimate Guide To Saying No at Work. Get it here!
This last part isn't an official step, but it's just as important - have patience with yourself. If you've been living with the fear of disappointing people for years, it isn't going to disappear overnight. But you CAN start saying no, speaking your truth, and living YOUR life today. Lean into the discomfort and give yourself some grace.
If you want to dive deeper into living your own truth instead of someone else’s, check out my book, An Overachiever's Guide To Breaking the Rules: How To Let Go Of Perfect and Live Your Truth.