Three Steps To Set Better Boundaries
I got shingles when was 30 years old. It was a direct result of NOT doing what this article is all about - setting boundaries.
I was the project manager for a huge project at work. Ten years later, it's STILL the biggest project I've ever worked on.
When I said yes to this project, my entire world shifted into overdrive. I was in manic mode 24/7. I got to know the evening custodial staff at the office because I was still there when they started working. I often worked late enough at night that I chatted with my colleagues in Europe in real time - it was the next day there and they were already back at work!
Even after I got shingles, nothing in my work load changed. My plate overflowed for MONTHS. I was exhausted for MONTHS. And I wasn't very happy.
I never wanted to be in that place again.
I knew I had to set better boundaries. It's been a learning process and I haven't always been 100% great, but I want to share the three key steps that have helped me to get WAY better at setting boundaries so that I'm not stressed, overwhelmed, and sick - and have more time for the things in my life that matter.
Get to know your yeses
The first step to setting boundaries is to understand what you should be setting boundaries on. If you're accustomed to saying yes to every request that comes your way, you need to take a step back and decipher between your true inner voice yeses and your inner critic yeses. Here's what that means:
An inner critic yes is made out of guilt and obligation. You feel like you "should" say yes. You might be worried that saying no will disappoint someone. Or you may have a desire to feel needed or prove you can do it all. There's often overwhelm, regret, or resentment after you give an inner critic yes.
True inner voice yeses, on the other hand, are made out of devotion and commitment and a desire to create impact. They are aligned to your values. You might experience a deep inner knowing that you need to say yes, even though you aren't quite sure why. You feel joy, excitement, or possibility after a true inner voice yes.
Start paying attention to your yeses. How often are they inner critic yeses vs true inner voice yeses?
2. Know what you're saying no to if you say yes
I used to say yes to nearly everything - not out of guilt or obligation, but because I really wanted to do everything! I love to be active, learn, and get involved. My yeses often felt like true inner voice yeses at the beginning - but there were still too many of them. My yeses still ended up leading to overwhelm and regret.
This one practice changed EVERYTHING for me. Instead of automatically saying yes, I paused and asked myself, "What I am saying no to, if I say yes to this?"
The choices aren't usually stacked up right next to each other, so what you're saying no to may not be immediately obvious. Look deeper. Are you saying no to sleep? Time with your kids? An evening at home watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel? Time to work on a project that means more to you?
Is the yes worth what you're saying no to?
3. Start saying no more often
It's the obvious next step. If it's an inner critic yes, then you need to say no. If you don't like what your trading in if you say yes, then you need to say no. It's that simple. And that hard.
Saying no is one of those things you have to just start doing. It will be uncomfortable. Your inner critic will flare up and start convincing you to say yes to avoid the discomfort. Don't be tricked! Be uncomfortable and do it anyway.
Finally, give yourself some grace as you start to set boundaries and say no. This is a process. You won't be perfect. There will be times you get in over your head and think, "How did I let myself get here?!?!" Over time, though, you WILL get better at setting boundaries. You'll notice that you have more space in your schedule and more time to breath. There will be less stress and overwhelm. You'll be able to give more true inner voice yeses - and actually enjoy them. Life is better when you're setting boundaries.
Want more tips on setting boundaries?
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