Five Steps To Let Go Of Perfectionism
Have you ever had any of these thoughts?
I should have tried harder
I should be doing more
It has to be perfect before I can show it to anyone
I have to be successful right away
What if I do it wrong? What if I make a mistake? What if I fail?
If you're nodding your head right now, then you've been hit with perfectionism.
And it is NO FUN.
Worrying about making a mistake causes stress and anxiety.
Feeling like you always have to work harder and do more leads to burnout.
All the pressure you're putting on yourself to be successful is a weight on your shoulders, dragging you down and making you feel like you constantly have to keep everything together, like there's no room to just be FREE.
It's not a surprise you feel this way. Every single day you are bombarded with messages to work more, try harder, and ALWAYS be productive. You'd have to be made of iron not to absorb these messages.
You also don't have to live by the rules of perfectionism forever. I know it's possible to let go because I've done it - it's what my book, An Overachiever's Guide To Breaking The Rules: How To Let Go Of Perfect and Live Your Truth, is all about!
Here are 5 steps you can start today. We'll start out with simple actions and then we dive DEEP. Make sure to read to the end - the last step is the most important!
Do small things imperfectly on purpose
If you're an overachiever or perfectionist, I'm guessing just reading this step made you uncomfortable! Why in heaven's name would you want to do things imperfectly ON PURPOSE?!?
I'll tell you why - to get used to it. You CANNOT do everything perfectly - and trying will drive you crazy. You need to get in the habit of doing things at a less than stellar level.
I'm not asking you to go big here. No need to walk into a meeting with senior leaders without prepping or looking for typos in your PowerPoint. Instead, choose something low-risk. Take a jewelry making class. Show up for a low-key meeting with a colleague without preparing. Experiment with a new recipe. Try to make a weird craft from Pinterest. You'll get used to being imperfect - and you might just have some fun in the process!
2. Give yourself deadlines and time limits
Here's the thing about perfectionism - It's a complete waste of time. You spend 45 minutes searching for the perfect photo to go in your PowerPoint deck. You spend 2 hours prepping for a meeting when you really could have spent 20 minutes. You spend three months researching an idea before sharing it with anyone.
Giving yourself deadlines and time limits is a very simple tool that can work wonders. Like doing things imperfectly on purpose, I suggest starting small. For example, I realized I was spending WAY too much time prepping for meetings with potential clients. Instead of setting a time limit on prep for a huge client I was really excited to work with, I set a time limit for a smaller client that I was feeling lukewarm about anyway.
And you know what? It went GREAT. They hired me and it showed me that it's way more important to be present with the client and listen to them than spend hours preparing for the meeting.
So, go ahead, give yourself 10 minutes to find a photo for your PowerPoint deck. Read an email once after you've written it and then HIT SEND. Spend two weeks researching a new idea and then just SHARE THE THING!
This WILL be uncomfortable. Expect it. Lean into the discomfort. And do it anyway.
3. Ask yourself: What's more important?
This is one of my favorite questions to ask in many situations! When it comes to perfectionism, ask yourself: What's more important than spending extra time prepping or researching? What's more important than potentially making a mistake - or even failing?
There is no right or wrong answer - it's about uncovering what is more important for you and then using that as motivation to enforce your deadlines and time limits, to hit send, press submit - and just get the thing done! Your answer might be a big overarching purpose - or it might be something small that changes depending on the situation.
Here are a few common answers to the question, "What's more important?" to get your thinking started:
It's more important for me to play with my daughter than keep prepping for this meeting
It's more for me to put this idea out there because it could positively impact people than to keep it to myself in research-mode
It's more important for me to make it to yoga class than keep working
It's more important for me to express myself imperfectly than keep my voice quiet and cooped up
Find YOUR why - and make it bigger than your fear. Let yourself be pulled forward by that why.
I dig way deeper into fear and what to do about it in my book as well!
4. Choose a new belief - and start acting on it
The root of perfectionism is a fear of failure, but that fear comes from rules you've been taught your whole life. These are rules like: I have to be productive all the time, I can't disappoint anyone, I can't slow because things will fall apart, I always have to do my best, I can't say no or they won't want me around anymore.
This list could go on and on.
I'm going to get direct here - these rules are bullshit. They make you feel like your worthiness is dependent on external success and people liking you and making everything perfect. AND IT'S NOT. You are worthy as a human without having to do anything at all.
It's not your fault you hold these beliefs. You've been taught them from birth by everything around you, from your family to teachers to what you watched on TV. But you also don't have to keep living by them. You get to choose your own set of rules.
My new underlying belief that changed everything for me is, "I am worthy for who I am, not what I do." That one shift released the pressure I was putting on myself to make everything successful the first time around. It gave me permission to experiment and try new things and release the fear of failure.
It didn't happen overnight - I had to work at changing this belief, but it can be done.
Here are a few new beliefs you can try on: I have nothing to prove, I choose progress over perfection, I can have fun whenever I want (even if I haven't done everything on my to-do list!), I am already enough, good and done is better than perfect.
Once you have your new belief, start acting on it. Just like doing things imperfectly on purpose and setting time limits for yourself, this will be uncomfortable. Feel the discomfort, be kind to yourself, and do it anyway. Act according to your new beliefs until you really believe them.
5. Treat yourself with compassion
This is the most important step of all. You are probably SUPER hard on yourself. Most perfectionists are. It would be easy to read this article and put even MORE pressure on yourself to let go of perfectionism.
Isn't that the ultimate irony - being a perfectionist at letting go of perfectionism?!?
I've found the best way to treat yourself with compassion is to feel your feelings without judgment. Whatever you are feeling, name the feeling, let yourself feel it, and then release it through crying, writing, dancing, exercising, or whatever works for you.
For example, if you set a deadline for yourself to write an email in 15 minutes, but you're feeling a full body pull to read that email again before hitting send, even though your 15 minutes are up, stop. Take a breath. Say to yourself, "I am feeling uncomfortable right now. I almost feel scared." Notice the feeling with curiosity and compassion. Sit with it.
Whatever you are feeling is okay. There is no should when it comes to your feelings.
Okay, that's it! The 5 steps to let go of perfectionism. Do small things imperfectly on purpose, give yourself deadlines and time limits, know what's more important, choose a new belief and start acting on it, and treat yourself with compassion. Pick one and give it a try - I know it will make a difference for you!
If you want to dive deeper into letting go of perfectionism and creating your own rules for life, check out my book, An Overachiever's Guide To Breaking the Rules: How To Let Go Of Perfect and Live Your Truth.