Is It Really Imposter Syndrome? Or Is Something Else Going On?

Imposter syndrome is real and legitimate and a ton of people experience it, including me. There's a reason it's my most popular speaking topic!

But I think it's incomplete.

I see another, potentially even bigger, issue at play: The discomfort with taking up space.

That discomfort manifests as self-doubt, which then gets labeled as imposter syndrome, even though that's only a part of what's going on -- or may not be happening at all for some people.

Here's how that often plays out for me:

I get excited about a new, big idea. REALLY excited. Everything in my body and spirit is telling me to explore this idea, share it with people, and see where it leads. This is my deep knowing and true inner voice speaking.

And then a second feeling comes creeping in. The only way I can describe this feeling is ARROGANCE.

I worry I'll be perceived as telling people what to do.

My inner critic tells me, "Just who do you think you are to be putting these ideas out there? Aren't you a little too big for your britches starting a podcast and writing books and thinking that what you say might make a difference?!?"

It's SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

But I'm not experiencing these feelings because of imposter syndrome. I'm not worried about whether I know enough or have enough experience, some of the classic hallmarks of imposter syndrome.

I'm experiencing them because I, like many women, haven't been taught to take up space. And I, like many women, have some specific examples burned into memory of feedback I've gotten when I HAVE taken up space and spoken my mind.

I'll be honest - I didn't think this impacted me for a long time. I didn't get many messages growing up that I should be quiet or shrink. My family welcomed my opinions. I went to an elementary school that applauded my voice and creativity and intelligence and never made me feel like I had to be smaller than I was.

But even with strong messages to speak my mind and not be ashamed to take up space as a child, other messages crept in over time.

As a teenager, those messages told me that I needed to shrink away so that my overweight body would not be seen. Those messages told me my value was in being a pretty size two and I didn't fit the bill.

In my first job out of college teaching environmental education, I got feedback from my site manager that not only did she think I was bossy - but all my coworkers did too. I was DEVASTATED. The last thing I wanted was for my colleagues to think I was bossy.

I reached out to her for examples of HOW I’d been bossy and she couldn't give me any. Months later I finally got up the courage to ask one of my colleagues his perspective on this feedback and he thought it was completely ridiculous - that her feedback from coming from something inside of her, as opposed to my behavior.

Even with that affirmation, her comments stuck with me for a LONG time.

In my corporate career,  I was both rewarded for speaking my mind and given feedback that I was too direct.

First, it was feedback from a manager who told me I needed to soften the way I spoke at times.

A year or two later, my former department head told me that I hadn't been afraid to put her and others leaders "in their place."

I was totally taken aback by this comment. I still remember my face twisting and my body reeling against those words.

But here's the thing -- she meant it as a compliment. She LIKED the fact that I wasn't afraid to speak up, no matter who I was talking to or their level of leadership. I liked those things about myself, too — and they also went against many of the messages I’d gotten about what it means to be a good girl, good woman, and good employee.

A few years after that, I had a manager tell me in a performance review that some of my colleagues had provided feedback I could be too direct. In the same sentence she told me that she didn't want me to stop, because I was bringing up things that needed to be brought up.

I'm guessing every single one of you reading this has your own version of this story.

The messages we've gotten are confusing and conflicting. They tell you to break the glass ceiling, but to do so softly, without offending anyone. They tell you to follow your dreams and live your best life -- as long as it doesn't upset or disappoint other people.

One message tells you to take up space, but then all the other messages you've gotten make it SO CRAZY UNCOMFORTABLE when you DO step into that bigger space.

This isn't imposter syndrome. There's a Venn diagram overlapping the two for sure, but they aren't the same thing.

I'll be honest, I'm on a journey towards embracing taking up space. It creeps up on me more frequently than I would like, especially when I'm in a period of transformation and exploring new ideas.

Like right now. I'm speaking in front of bigger audiences, starting a podcast, and beginning to write my second book. With all of these pursuits, I vacillate between feeling excited and inspired -- and feeling uncomfortable and arrogant.

Here's what helping me get through the discomfort of taking up space so that inspiration can win out over discomfort:

Simply naming what's happening and knowing why I'm experiencing it SO HELPFUL. It's the "Name It To Tame It" philosophy and it WORKS.

I also remind myself of the advice I often share in my imposter syndrome sessions -- if you're worried about arrogant, you have nothing to worry about. Because someone who IS actually arrogant isn't concerned about it at all.

Finally, I remember what's more important than the discomfort. For me, that's two big things: 1) Having more women share their authentic voices with the world. 2) Living my truth. Expressing the story inside of me. Walking through the world everyday as my fullest self. This is freedom.

And then there's simply practice. As I've taken up more space, I have more evidence to remind myself that it's not just okay -- it's needed. I have the biggest impact when I step into the fullness of who I am. So do you.

So lean into that discomfort, whether it's imposter syndrome or taking up space or fear of failure or anything else standing in the way of sharing yourself with the world. Take one step at a time. Live into your fullness. Live into your freedom.