Staying true to yourself when you want to make people happy

Woman sitting on a dock staring at mountainsWoman sitting on a dock staring at mountains

One of the women in Beyond Perfect recently said in one of our group calls, “I just want to please others and be true to myself.”

I’m going to tell you a hard truth: You can’t always have both.

I’m normally all about the both/add and finding the win-win, but that’s not always the case when it comes to pleasing others and staying true to yourself.

Sometimes you have to choose between pleasing others and pleasing yourself.

Between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself.

Between living the life you desire and living the life others expect of you.


And….

You deserve to choose you.

I don’t say this lightly. I know it isn’t an easy choice. You’ve been taught to put everyone else first and it is SO UNCOMFORTABLE to stand up for what you need and want.

It feels selfish. Sometimes even arrogant. There’s often guilt.

I even got a little uncomfortable writing this blog wondering if it was too strong or individualistic! 

And at the same time, when you choose to be true to yourself instead of pleasing others, you are living YOUR TRUTH. You weren’t put on this earth to follow what someone else thought was the best path for you. You are here to be YOU, to fulfill YOUR purpose, to live according to YOUR expectations.

And even more – when you choose to follow your own path, you are creating change

​​You are bucking the system that taught you to hold back your voice. You are breaking the rules put in place to keep the status quo. You are making an impact just by living life according to your own set of rules.

It’s not always an easy choice. But it is still a choice. What do you choose?



P.S. Click here to get on the waitlist for the next Beyond Perfect! It will be happening this fall!

Why living the life you desire isn’t selfish

Passion led us here

A woman said to me last week, “I’m working on living the life I desire, not the life I’m supposed to show up for.”

Wow. Her words hit me right in the gut.

Isn’t THIS what it’s all about?

Letting go of everything you’ve been taught you were SUPPOSED to want and instead showing up to live the life you ACTUALLY want?

And let’s get this clear right now – living the life you desire IS NOT SELFISH, for so many reasons.

One – When you’re happy and filled with joy for life, you show up better for other people.

Two – When you throw away the rules you’ve been taught and create your own rules for life, you break barriers. You become a change maker.

Three – When you stop worrying about doing what is “right” you do MORE good in the world.

Four – When you let go of perfectionism and proving and people pleasing and follow your true inner voice, the voice of your desire, you make an impact. You’ll share a dissenting point of view with your boss. You’ll put the idea out there that you’ve been pondering for months. You’ll write the song or poem or book and share it with the world. You’ll decide your heart is calling you to start a business or run a nonprofit or become a teacher and you’ll go do that thing.

Five – Pleasing others is not the purpose of life. YOU get to create your own definition of success. Impacting others and making a difference is definitely part of that definition, but when you let go of expectations and live the life you desire, that impact comes from your soul. It comes from your truth. It’s driven by mission and purpose, not pressure and standards.

The belief that living the life you desire is selfish is just a lie you’ve been taught.

It’s time to create a new belief.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk 😀

THIS is what my new program, Beyond Perfect, is all about. It’s for women that identify as overachievers, overdoers, perfectionists, and/or people-pleasers because this is my story and the story of so many of my coaching clients. These are the challenges getting in the way of so many women living the life they desire and sharing their true voice with the world.

Not the voice you’re “supposed” to share. Not the cookie cutter voice of the overachiever. Not the hustle puppet. Not the imposter voice. Your voice. Your truth.

I’m here to support you every step of the way. Let’s get started.

Get all the details about Beyond Perfect and sign up here.

Registration ends this Friday. See you there!

The single most important question to ask yourself to get past the fear of disappointing people

Writing in a journal

On Friday I hosted a webinar on letting go of proving, pleasing, and perfecting. We had a FANTASTIC group of women that shared SO openly.

If you weren’t able to join the webinar, let me tell you now – YOU ARE NOT ALONE in struggling with perfectionism or people pleasing or feeling like you have something to prove.

(Side note: Last week I did an Instagram poll about proving ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of people said they felt the need to prove themselves. Wow.)

A lot of themes came up in the webinar, but there’s one in particular I wanted to share today: A fear of disappointing people.

The fear of disappointing people was underneath so many other situations – having a hard time saying no, feeling like everything has to be perfect, doing or believing something different than what you were taught by your parents, teachers, or church growing up, working yourself into the ground to be successful (or to avoid failure, because that would be disappointing people).

Here’s the single most important question to get out of the disappointment trap: What is more important?

What is more important than disappointing people? What is more important than putting out “perfect” work? What is more important that questioning what you were taught and choosing a way that works for you?

Make the thing that is more important BIGGER than the fear of disappointing people.

The more important thing is completely up to you. It might be something big like expressing yourself or living aligned to what you know is most important or setting an example for your daughter about living a free life.

Or it could be something small, like it’s more important to sleep for an extra hour than to potentially disappoint someone by not responding to their email at 9:00pm.

What is more important to YOU?

 

Feel like you’re spinning on a hamster wheel? Here’s what to do.

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Let me tell you a quick story….

I was out running Saturday errands a few years ago, shortly after I started my business. I had a long list of things to get done and somewhere between the grocery store and making returns at Kohl’s, I noticed my whole body rushing with an urgent need to make it through everything on my to-do list.

It was like there was a hamster wheel inside my chest, and I could feel it spinning faster and faster, whirring inside my body.

Instead of ignoring the feeling and rushing to the next task, like I’d done my entire life, I stopped. Literally. I stopped my body in the middle of running errands while standing in a crowd of people that were probably also rushing around checking items off their to-do list.

I took a deep breath.

Within a few seconds, my rational brain kicked in and said, “This is ridiculous. Nothing you are doing is an emergency. You don’t need to feel this way.”

I took another breath.

The whir of the hamster wheel in my chest began to quiet down. My heart rate slowed. The underlying anxiety pulsing through my body subsided. I realized I could be productive and calm at the same time. Rushing didn’t help me get through my to-do list any faster; it just made it less enjoyable.

I call this rushing manic mode. It’s the feeling that there’s not enough time and too much to do. Everything in your body goes on high alert. You feel yourself almost tipping forward with a desire to go faster.

There are so many things underneath manic mode – wanting to make everything perfect, fear of things slipping through the cracks, guilt and vulnerability when you do slow down, believing there will never be enough time to get everything done, etc.

It’s not healthy. Or fun. And I want to help you get out of it.

Yes, you can do exactly what I did when I noticed myself rushing and stop and take a breath. It will definitely help you get out of manic mode in the moment.

But to really get out of it we need to go to the root cause. We need to get to why you are in manic mode in the first place.

That’s what we’re going to cover in my free webinar this Friday on how to let of people pleasing, perfectionism, and feeling like you have to prove yourself.

In the webinar, you’ll discover what’s standing in your way of letting go so that you can slow down and reclaim your joy.

It’s happening this Friday, May 15, 12:00-1:00pm central. Sign up even if you can join live – I will send out a recording.

Sign up here.

So many people feel the weight of proving, people-pleasing, and perfection. So many women especially live in manic mode. Please share the link to sign up for the webinar with anyone that needs this (here it is for easy copy and paste: https://is.heatherwhelpley.com/lettinggo)

See you Friday!