How to say no to things you really want to do

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There are articles and blog posts all the time about saying no to the things you don’t actually want to do.

That’s never been a big issue for me.

My problem is saying no to the things that I really, legitimately WANT to do. Because I want to do everything! I want to be involved. I love to learn. I enjoy being out in the world doing things. I’m always the first one to say to a new adventure.

But I can’t do it all.

So I have to say no – even to things I really want to do.

This realization came to me a few years ago when I said yes to a fantastic project – leading mentoring for the Cargill Global Scholars Program. I was tasked with creating the structure and support for over 50 university students from across the globe that would be paired with Cargill employees as mentors. Amazing, right? I thought so too.

So I said yes without even pausing to think.

I said yes in the same month that I returned from my expat assignment in Australia and started a new job at Cargill that would require a huge amount of learning. I said yes when I was in the midst of moving back into my condo. I said yes when I was rebuilding friendships that I had been absent from for a year and a half.

I spent at least four hours a week on this project for the next year. Parts of it were amazing. It was completely aligned to my values. I loved seeing the connections made between students and their mentors. I felt awesome when the students came from Brazil, China, Russia, India, and the US to Minnesota for a leadership seminar and I got to meet them and hear what they were learning from the program.

But I still should have said no.

What I realized in the midst of all this is that when you say yes to something, you’re always saying no to something else.

The challenge is that the choices aren’t usually stacked next to each, so it doesn’t look like you’re choosing between things. But you are.

When I said yes to this amazing project, I said no to leaving the office at a reasonable hour each day. I said no evenings and weekends free from work. I said no to really enjoying all my social activities because, even though I went out with my friends, my energy wasn’t always there to fully engage.

In short, I was overwhelmed, overworked, and exhausted.

So I started to pause before I said yes to new offers. I told people that I needed to think about it and would get back to them instead of responding with a yes or no in the moment. I asked myself “What am I saying no to if I say yes to this?”

I’ll admit, I still want to be involved in everything. I consistently have to remind myself that I can’t do it all – that I have to say no even when I want to say yes. It’s a practice.

But it’s a practice with massive rewards. I have more time and energy for my true yeses. I can dig in deep with them and contribute more of myself. I also get more sleep and feel less stress and overwhelm.

What do you want to say no to this week?

 

Heather Whelpley is a speaker and coach that works with women to combat self-doubt, own what makes you amazing, and step into the career and life you desire. See her home page  or join Heather’s mailing list to learn more. 

Monday Moment – Create

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I believe that we are all creative. That we have a natural desire to bring new ideas, processes, art, and ways of being into the world.

Sometimes our creativity is highly functional and sometimes it’s just plain fun.

Yesterday my mom and I had a little art session painting tiles with alcohol inks. Even though I view myself as creative, I’ve never seen myself as an artist. I’m flat-out not good at painting and drawing. But the alcohol inks were different. It wasn’t about making anything specific. The alcohol inks had a mind of their own. They swirled uncontrollably and created the shapes and designs you see in the photo. I think I liked watching the paints more than the actual painting itself!

There wasn’t any particular purpose to painting these tiles. But it was fun! And calming. And I felt focused. And it used a different part of my brain.

Take a moment today and create for no reason at all. Bring something into the world just for the fun of it. And enjoy every second.

 

Heather Whelpley is a writer, photographer, and coach that works with clients to create meaningful careers and fulfill their own potential. See her home page to learn more. Follow Heather on Facebook or Instagram @destinationsoulshine for resources to inspire you to live a meaningful, creative life. 

Monday Moment – Dream

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Like a child I just sat in the sunlight

and played with the minutes as they went running by

Like a child who had never known sorrow

I didn’t hurry tomorrow I just looked at the sky.

The opening lines from one of my favorite poems by Rod McKuen. Whenever I read it I picture sitting under a tree and watching the clouds pass by, no worries about the time or what is next on my schedule. Just laying there, letting my mind wander and day dream – or think about nothing at all.

Take a moment to be like a child today. Sit on a bench or lay down in the grass, look up at the sky, and dream.

 

 

Heather Whelpley is a writer, photographer, and coach that works with clients to create meaningful careers and fulfill their own potential. See her home page to learn more. She is also the host of Destination Soul Shine, a community dedicated to nourishing your soul and making your spirit shine. Like Destination Soul Shine on Facebook or follow us on Instagram @destinationsoulshine for resources to inspire you to live a meaningful, creative life. 

 

Wise Woman Wednesday – Taking Risks

Taking Risks

This morning at The Business Women’s Circle I facilitate we discussed women, confidence, and all the weird and unexpected ways that lower confidence shows up, like perfectionism and feeling like an imposter. One of the biggest outcomes is not taking risks.

We tend to think of all the potential downsides to taking a risk. Every single little thing that could go possibly go wrong. But what about the risk of doing nothing at all?

Pause for a second. Think about your life. If you’re still in the same place five years from will you be happy?

If the answer is yes – awesome! Keep going forward, growing and evolving!

If the answer is no – then ask yourself again – what is the real risk of doing nothing?

The real risk is (not) having a job you really love, (not) contributing your awesomeness to the world, (not) creating from your heart – (not) being the full and amazing person that you are. Those are the real risks. What do you choose?

 

Heather Whelpley is a writer, photographer, and coach that works with clients to create meaningful careers and fulfill their own potential. See her home page to learn more. She is also the host of Destination Soul Shine, a community dedicated to nourishing your soul and making your spirit shine. Like Destination Soul Shine on Facebook or follow us on Instagram@destinationsoulshine for resources to inspire you to live a meaningful, healthy, creative life. 

Monday Moment – Rest

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Most of you reading this are not lounging on a beach (I’m not either!). But that doesn’t mean we can’t take a moment to rest today. Find a spot of sunshine and eat your lunch outside. Close your eyes for a few minutes. I just got back from a 20-minute walk and it was glorious! I left the phone at home and let my mind wander. Even though I was moving it felt restful. How can you rest today?

 

Heather Whelpley is a writer, photographer, and coach that works with clients to create meaningful careers and fulfill their own potential. See her home page to learn more. She is also the host of Destination Soul Shine, a community dedicated to nourishing your soul and making your spirit shine. Like Destination Soul Shine on Facebook or follow us on Instagram@destinationsoulshine for resources to inspire you to live a meaningful, healthy, creative life. 

Changing Your Path

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Last week I decided to give up something I really wanted to do – lead a group coaching program. The design was nearly complete and I was excited to get started. The problem? I couldn’t find 3 people for the pilot that were both interested in a group program and available at the same time each week for 12 weeks in a row. It was even hard for my schedule and I was the one leading it!

So I let it go.

I was disappointed. And instantly relieved. The stress I had been feeling melted away.

The same day I decided to stop the group program I confirmed two new clients. I had three more referrals and a request to write a proposal for a women’s coaching and development program by the end of the week.

It was like the universe knew I had space and energy and it rushed in to fill it up with amazing possibilities.

We hear a lot of messages about persistence and determination when we are growing up. Stick to the path! Keep on keeping on! Perseverance is the key to success! And there is a time to hold onto your dreams with both hands and scrape your way forward.

But there’s also a time to pause, honestly ask ourselves what isn’t working, and choose a better way.

This is especially true when it comes to our careers. I hear clients say:

I’ve been on this path for 10 years and the future is laid out in front of me. But I’m not sure I want to be on this path anymore.

My managers have always told me I have potential and will be a great leader. What if I want to use my potential in a different way?

I want to try something else, but I’m afraid I’ll disappoint everyone.

Choosing a different path is not failure. It is an opportunity to create the possibility for something great.

Take the first step towards a future that you really want. Start exploring the options. Talk to new people. Reflect on what’s most important to you.

And if you want help on the journey, I work with clients that are feeling stuck in their career. We’ll work together to figure out what you really want and build a plan to create a meaningful career.

The path isn’t laid out in front of you – you create the path as you walk forward. It’s your move.

 

Heather Whelpley is a writer, photographer, and coach that works with clients to create meaningful careers and fulfill their own potential. See her home page to learn more. She is also the host of Destination Soul Shine, a community dedicated to nourishing your soul and making your spirit shine. Like Destination Soul Shine on Facebook or follow us on Instagram@destinationsoulshine for resources to inspire you to live a meaningful, healthy, creative life. 

Monday Moment – Act

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Doubt can get in the way of action. What if I fail? What if other people don’t like it? What if, what if, what if. We rationalize every possible reason not to act. Flip your mindset this week by asking yourself: What is the upside of acting vs the downside of doing nothing? How does that perspective change your thinking?

 

Heather Whelpley is a writer, photographer, and coach that works with clients to create meaningful careers and fulfill their own potential. See her home page to learn more. She is also the host of Destination Soul Shine, a community dedicated to nourishing your soul and making your spirit shine. Like Destination Soul Shine on Facebook or follow us on Instagram @destinationsoulshine for resources to inspire you to live a meaningful, healthy, creative life. 

Monday Moment – Expand

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Stop. Take a breath. Let go of tension and breathe into expansion. Open into possibility. Notice how expansion feels. Imprint that feeling in your body and mind. The next time you’re stressed and tight, breathe and return to expansion.

 

Heather Whelpley is a writer, photographer, and coach that works with clients to create meaningful careers and fulfill their own potential. See her home page to learn more. She is also the host of Destination Soul Shine, a community dedicated to nourishing your soul and making your spirit shine. Like Destination Soul Shine on Facebook or follow us on Instagram @destinationsoulshine for resources to inspire you to live a meaningful, healthy, creative life. 

My #1 Priority in Business (and Life)

Stop the hustle

My number one priority as an entrepreneur? Rest.

Yes, rest.

But aren’t new entrepreneurs supposed to be all about the hustle?

I don’t think so. In fact, I hate the word hustle. Hustling feels rushed and jittery. Like I’m running from one thing to the next without time to pause and figure out if what I’m doing actually makes sense.

That’s not the way I want to build my business. It’s not the way I want to live my life.

I want to do what is meaningful and will have the biggest impact for my clients. Sustain the important relationships in my life. Take risks and create new things to bring into the world.

That work takes focus.

Focus requires energy.

Energy demands rest.

How do I renew? Sleep is the most critical. I need at least eight hours a night. Sometimes nine. Most days I take a short nap or meditate for 15 minutes in the afternoon. And there are evenings when I collapse on the couch and watch four episodes of Mozart in the Jungle or a bad Hallmark movie and that fills my tank as well.

I’m not perfect. There are weeks when I go to bed too late or push through back-to-back days without taking a breath.

And then I pay for it.

I pay for it with my creativity and productivity. With my ability to listen deeply. With my focus and motivation to tackle the important work.

Avoid the hustle. Rest, renew, and get the good work done.

 

Look for a follow-up video on learning to give myself permission to stop and rest on Destination Soul Shine next week.

 

Heather Whelpley is a writer, photographer, and coach that works with clients to get out of unsatisfying jobs, create meaningful careers and lives, and fulfill their own potential. See her home page to learn more. She is also the host of Destination Soul Shine, a community dedicated to nourishing your soul and making your spirit shine. Like Destination Soul Shine on Facebook or follow us on Instagram @destinationsoulshine for resources to inspire you to live a meaningful, healthy, creative life. 

Walk Boldly Into This Season

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Last week I received an email from my cousin Kelsey with the message, “I think you’ll be blessed for your boldness in the season you’re walking into.” Now that is a set of beautiful words! Blessed. Boldness. Season. Walking into. I’ve shared this sentence with multiple people and each person has derived their own meaning from it, just as I imagine you are now thinking about what it means for you in this season of your life. Here are my thoughts.

Blessed

I equate blessed with gratitude. Living blessed is shifting from a mindset of scarcity to abundance. Choosing to focus on what I have in my life instead of what is missing. Looking for evidence of beauty, belonging, and love. Taking the moments to savor joy, sink into the feeling, and imprint it in my mind. Benedictine monk David Steindl-Rast said “It’s not joy that makes us grateful, but gratitude that makes us joyful.” Create the space for gratitude and you will be blessed.

Boldness

One of my favorite quotes and a life motto is “If you ask me what I came into this world to do, I will tell you: I came to live out loud.” (Emile Zola). This is my definition of boldness – life out loud. Boldness is not a lack of fear. It is walking forward with the fear. Bringing forth the courage held deep in our hearts to follow what we are called to do.

Season

Green grass and flowers are a long way off in Minnesota, but we have turned the corner on winter. The days are getting longer. There are no subzero temperatures in the extended forecast. As the Earth transitions, so do we. There are seasons of rest and renewal and seasons of flurry and change. I am in a season of learning and growth, which is, inevitably, also a season of vulnerability. Every day I become aware of something I don’t know and skills I need to build. I am constantly reflecting on how I want to show up in the world, the relationships I want to create, and how I will generate impact with my life.

Walking Into

Dr. Michael Bernard Beckworth said on a recent SuperSoul Conversations podcast with Oprah, “Pain pushes until the vision pulls.” Pain can get us started on a new path. Sometimes it drags us kicking and screaming. And then, one day, we see the vision ahead and suddenly we are walking into the vision instead of running away from the pain. We actively move ourselves forward, taking steps into the life we desire.

Lay down your path of gratitude and walk boldly into this season, my friends.

 

Heather Whelpley is a writer, photographer, and coach that works with clients to create meaningful careers and fulfill their own potential. See her home page to learn more. She is also the host of Destination Soul Shine, a community dedicated to nourishing your soul and making your spirit shine. Like Destination Soul Shine on Facebook or follow us on Instagram @destinationsoulshine for resources to inspire you to live a meaningful, healthy, creative life.